Chapter 1 - Jess
I shouldn’t be here.
I’m underage, I’m seventeen.
According to my mom, I’m still a baby. She would be disappointed in me if she knew, and maybe she does.
It’s not my first time here, and it won’t be my last. I like it here, at the Infinity Club.
The freedom.
The music.
The alcohol.
I tip my drink to my lips, swallowing the liquid that burns my throat on the way down. My hips sway to the music, and I tip my head back, feeling the strobe lights lighting up my face.
My long blonde hair swishes along my back, tickling the exposed skin. I take a deep breath as the pressure from my skull floats away.
The place has an exotic, classy atmosphere that I’m drawn to. The decor is black and dark blue. The lights are dim except for the blue strobe lights flashing around the open space.
Booths surround the edges of the dance floor, giving patrons privacy. The stairs to the side lead to a VIP balcony that overlooks the whole club. It’s dark up there, offering guests a sense of anonymity.
I shouldn’t be drinking. I know that. Do I care? Nope. It helps me let go, even if it’s for a moment. Even if I know I deserve the pain.
The music moves my body, drowning all my horrible thoughts from my mind. There’s freedom in the haze of alcohol. There’s freedom in music that takes control of your limbs.
My escape.
Sweaty, moving bodies fill this place, grinding onto each other to the beat of the music. Everyone is feeling the haze of the alcohol—swimming in it, drowning in it.
The last thing I want is anyone’s attention when I’m not supposed to be here, so I step back when someone comes near me. And they do—a lot.
My red dress falls amply to mid-thigh and bares half of my back. It’s held up by thin spaghetti straps. It makes me look older than I am. It’s provocative and sexy, making me look like I belong in a place I don’t.
With a deep breath and a slight stumble in my steps, I make my way through the grinding bodies. I plaster a fake smile on my face as I approach the bar and climb onto one of the stools. Adam, the bartender, flashes a charming grin at me.
His long hair falls over his forehead. He’s wearing a black shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show his forearms. He’s attractive in a boyish way.
“What can I get you this time, Jess?”
“Vodka lemonade again, please.” I try not to sound flirty, but it comes out that way anyway. This is my fourth drink, and I’m feeling the haze of the alcohol right down to my bones. My inhibitions are loosening, fading away.
I’m not like this sober. It’s like I’m a completely different person when I’m drunk. I’m more confident. More free.
“Coming up.” He gets busy making my drink and places it in front of me. His body leans towards me with a light frown on his face. “You okay, Jess? You look a bit down in the dumps tonight.”
“I’m okay.”
Okay, that was a lie. I’m not okay, but other people don’t need to know that. I’m good at hiding it. I’m good at faking it. I take a sip of my vodka and flash my signature fake smile.
“Thanks, Adam.”
His charming smile appears back on his lips. He opens his mouth to speak, but someone interrupts him with a wave from further down the bar. He throws me a flirtatious wink and walks off.
My cheeks heat, and I quickly look in the other direction. He’s been doing that since I came in a few weeks ago. I doubt he would be doing it if he knew my age. I’m a baby compared to all the other women in here.
No one questioned the fake driver’s license I had Ezra get for me. At first, the bouncer stared at it for a second too long, and I started to think he would turn me away before he nodded and waved me through.
My muscles relax as I take another sip of my vodka. I need to dance.
I finish off the drink in one gulp and scoot my ass off the stool. The black heels I’m wearing are killing my feet. I wouldn’t have worn anything like this three weeks ago, but I’m different now. I’ve changed and can’t say it’s for the better.
I’m broken.
I go to an open space on the dance floor and throw my arms above my head, twirling my body to the music. I’m free like this.
Unchained.
I feel eyes on me. Lots of them. They’re digging into me, trying to expose me as a fraud and a murderer.
That’s not true, Jess.
With a deep breath, I keep swaying my hips and swishing my hair. I have a scar, you know, from that black night. It peaks out from my hairline, slashing across my forehead.
A reminder of my fatal mistake. My misery. It kills me to look in the mirror. My actions destroyed everything I ever loved. It’s taken my mom from me.
You killed her.
I can’t even remember the crash or anything before it. The doctors said I had a minor brain injury and that my memories might come back with time. But I don’t want to remember. I can’t.
A sob threatens to spill from my lips as a tear slips from my lids. No amount of drinking erases the demons that haunt my mind. I shake my head, wiping the tears with the back of my hand.
I head towards the bathroom so I can gather myself. The hallway is surprisingly empty as I go to the girls’ bathroom. I push the door open and stop dead in my tracks.
A girl is bent over the bathroom sink with her hands pressed against the glass. Her pink panties are pulled right down to her ankles while someone pounds in and out of her at a rough pace.
Her moans, his low grunts, and the slapping of skin are all I can hear. I should walk away. Disappear like I never saw anything. But I’m frozen in place.
His hands are gripping her slim waist in a tight grip that I imagine would leave bruises. Her breasts are moving in time with the way he’s thrusting in and out of her.
In.
Out.
In.
Oh my god. Why am I not moving? Move Jess.
Her gaze is on him through the mirror, with her lips open. She resembles a goddess, enjoying as much pleasure as she can while he has the physique of a god.
I try to pretend my legs aren’t slightly shaking for reasons I don’t want to consider. I really shouldn’t be standing here like a complete pervert. A moment ago, I was on the verge of a breakdown, and now, well now, I feel something entirely different.
He’s tall, and the backs of his legs look strong. His shoulders are so broad that the white top molds to his developed muscles.
Muscles that are overpowering her as we speak. Why am I wishing he was doing that to me? A sudden flush of heat covers my body. I have to clench my thighs together to chase away the feeling that’s building in me. It’s a fire that I shouldn’t be feeling.
His face, which I can see in the mirror, has a hardness to it and a sinful expression in his features.
Dark brown hair is styled slightly longer up top than on the sides. It showcases his forehead, killer cheekbones, straight nose, and square jaw, but that’s not what holds my attention.
His eyes.
They’re a deep brown, almost black. There’s a fire in them. A predator waiting for the right time to attack. And they’re staring right back at me.
Shit. Oh my god.My mouth pops open, and embarrassment covers my face. I can imagine the color of my cheeks being the brightest shade of crimson right now.
He smirks as he continues his brutal assault on the girl’s most intimate parts. Slapping her ass and making her yelp in pleasure. What the fuck? Shouldn’t he be telling me to get the hell out of here?
I can’t help but feel trapped in his gaze, his gaze that hasn’t left me. I should leave now; I should bolt the hell out of here.
I jerk my gaze away, tearing my eyes from his, and leave. What the hell happened to me? It was like I was in a trance. One I couldn’t escape from even if I wanted to. I wanted to, right? It’s because I’ve had too many drinks. I’m feeling too much of the haze.
I rush my way through the club like my ass is on fire.
Shit.
I hope he doesn’t come here often. I’ve never seen him here before, and I would die of embarrassment if I saw him again.
It’s getting late. My Rolex tells me it’s just past one. It was a gift from my Uncle Nate, who had to take on the burden of looking after me.
He’s never around, and I mean never. Uncle Nate is always away on business because he’s a hotshot partner for a law firm called T&S, which has offices all around America.
Living with him has been a big change. I went from living on the wrong side of the tracks to living with the rich.
He tried to help my mom when she was alive, but she was too independent to accept it. She worked two jobs for us to rent our house and was my real-life superwoman. Mom always said she wasn’t afraid of a bit of hard work.
I miss it, my old home and I miss her.
I step outside with a slight stagger in my steps. I’m drunker than I thought. The cold air brushes against my exposed skin, and I hug my arms around my waist.
This is the part I don’t like. The haze will fade, and everything will crash back down in the morning.
Suffocating me.
I’ve got my first day at my new school tomorrow—a school for the elite. My first real experience around spoiled, entitled brats.
I’m not looking forward to it. I won’t fit in. I’ll be the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I’ll always be me.
Flawed.
Broken.
Damaged.
There was nothing great about my old school, and I didn’t fit in there either. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get bullied because Ezra is my best friend. Ezra, Leo, and Jack own the school. People treat them like they’re Gods, and maybe they are there.
Ezra has visited me a few times in the last few weeks. But Uncle Nate has made it clear that he’s bad news, so I don’t invite him over anymore.
He’s judgmental, Uncle Nate, in that rich, snobbish way.
Ezra has tattoos on his neck and arms. He looks like a gang member, and that’s because he is.
He’s a member of the Serpents, a gang that runs the entire south side of the city. He was my neighbor my whole life, a friend, a brother. Mom loved him, and she never once judged him.
Uncle Nate let me take time off from school. He sent me to therapists to help with my grief. It didn’t help, and I stopped going after my first session. He didn’t pressure me, and I love him for that.
No one can fix the hole in my heart. No one can take away this pain. And that’s okay. I deserve every last second of it.
I wave down a cab and slip in. Exhaustion settled behind my lids, making them feel heavy. I gave the driver Uncle Nate’s address.
I’m glad I’m exhausted; I hate being in any car. They have scared me ever since that black night. If I fall asleep, I can avoid the panic attack that tries to consume me. I rub my scar with my fingers and close my eyes. My hands are already beginning to shake, and my breathing comes in short bursts. I hate this.
By the time we got to the estate, I had fallen asleep. The cab driver woke me up, motioning that we’d arrived. I hand him the fare and stumble out the door.
Shit.
I need to get my ass to bed.
The estate looms over me, reminding me it will never feel like home. It’s empty, just like my heart. I wish Uncle Nate were around more, but he’s not. He has too much responsibility at work.
Uncle’s housekeeper, Maria, lets me in with a sad smile. Her face looks concerned, but she doesn’t say anything. She hasn’t told my Uncle about my late-night escapes, and I’m thankful for that. I swear she can see past my mask.
I need this. I need the escape. I need the haze.
I reach my room on the second floor and lock the door behind me. My room is fit for a queen. The huge bed sits in the center, with an en-suite and walk-in wardrobe to one side. It has a balcony that overlooks the pool. The stars shine in the distance, casting small glowing dots in the pool.
I flop down onto my bed, burying my face into the pillow. I never change out of my dresses or take my makeup off. I just flop down and let the haze consume me.
Tomorrow will come, and my demons will wake back up, ready to drag me to hell. I close my eyes and let the darkness take me. I deserve this.
