Learning to Love Shade

“Shade! Shade, where are you?!”

I could hear the worried voice of my mother calling for me in the distance, but I was too upset to care. My better sense knew that I should have gotten up and gone to her; stopped my sulking and eased my mother’s fears. Yet, I did no such thing. Instead, I stayed planted in my spot, my legs curled against me as I sniffled, allowing the tears to roll down my cheeks.

“Shade! Honey, please, we are too close to the border! It’s not safe for you to be here alone!”

I knew that she was right. We had been warned against wandering too close to the pack’s borders many times. We were never meant to be out this far without an adult, Alpha’s orders. But I had not cared for the what the pack rules had said when I had chosen to run out here. All that I had cared about was needing to get away. Needing to put as much distance as possible between myself and my tormentors.

“Oh, Shade…” I heard my mother sigh as she approached me from just a few feet away.

She had finally spotted me, curled up in a root at the base of a tree. My clothing was tattered and filthy from stumbling my way clumsily through the forest. My dark hair was wild. My blue eyes red and puffy from the tears.

“What happened, Shade? Why are you all the way out here crying?” My mother asked, softly, as she settled herself down on the ground next to me.

Her golden blonde hair was a tangled mess, and her eyes were full of concern. I could feel the guilt immediately washing over me at the thought that I had done this to her. She always had to put up with so much because of me. And to thank her, I only caused her more concern. My sister and her friends were right when they said I was a burden.

“Come on, honey, you have to talk to me. Tell me what has you so upset and I will be able to help you feel better.” Mother encouraged.

If anyone in the world could have made me feel better, it would have been my mother. She was the only person in my life that I could depend on. The only person in this world who cared about my wellbeing. The only person who acknowledged that I had feelings.

“Sunny said…” I began with a sniffle.

“That girl.” My mother released an exasperated sigh.

My mother loved my sister Sunny very much. Neither of us had ever felt like she favored one over the other. However, my sister’s new favorite hobby of making my life miserable was beginning to wear on our mom. She had done everything that she could think to encourage us to be close. She had always known that my path in life would be difficult, but she had felt some small comfort in the idea that I would have a friend in my twin.

Yet, Sunny and I had never had a very strong relationship. We spent a lot of time together when we were younger, mostly because there were no other children around. No one wanted their pups to be around me for fear that I would harm them in some way. There were no playdates with other toddlers, and I was not allowed in the pack daycare. Because of this, Sunny was initially shunned by association. So, at the time, we were all that each other had.

Yet as we grew little by little and the pack was reassured that Sunny did not possess a similar affliction as I possessed, she was welcomed more into the pack life. While I remained rejected. When it was time for kindergarten, my mother was prepared to homeschool the both of us, her attempt to keep things fair. Yet, my father disagreed, he felt that Sunny should not be deprived because I was the pack pariah. He would not allow my existence to hold his other daughter back.

Needless to say, once Sunny joined the regular school, she began to make real friends. She soon started to learn why the pack disliked my presence and when she combined that with my father’s contempt for me, she quickly grew to hate me as well. Now whenever I was unfortunate enough to cross the path of her and her friends, I was often the victim of one form of abuse or another.

This day, the abuse had only been verbal. But at my young age, the words almost hurt more than when they pushed me to ground or slapped me across the face.

“Sunny said that you named me Shade because…because…” I hiccupped. “I spread darkness wherever I go and that is why the pack ha-hates me.” I stuttered as the tears began to fall again.

My mother wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close to her, gently beginning to smooth my hair. I instantly started to feel just a little bit better as her warmth seeped into me. A mother’s love does wonders for an upset child.

“Well, Sunny is wrong.” My mother stated, soothingly.

“She is?” I questioned, looking up at her through watery eyes.

“Yes, she is. The reason that I named you Shade is because the shade is such an inviting place.”

“It is?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow in confusion.

“Of course, it is!” She exclaimed, feigning surprise that I would even dare question such a thing. “When it is a hot day outside and you are looking for a place to rest. A place to escape the heat or maybe even the bright rays of the sun. Where do you go for that relief?”

“The shade…I guess.” I admitted as I attempted to process her words.

“Exactly, the shade.” She confirmed. “Shade is not about being dark and it certainly isn’t gloomy. The shade is the place that you seek for comfort. Everyone enjoys the Sunshine, but they always end up seeking the Shade.”

I did not understand how profound her words really were at the time. Though I did recognize that she was purposefully using both my sister’s and I’s names in a specific way. I would not come to understand the true meaning behind this until many years later.

“No one seeks me for anything.” I sniffled. “Everyone really does hate me.”

“They don’t hate you.” My mother insisted, even though she knew the truth. “They just keep their distance because they are uncertain. Your gift makes you powerful and power that others do not understand makes them nervous. Really, it says more about them than it does you.”

“It does? How?”

“Because…” My mother hesitated for a moment, likely attempting to gather her thoughts. “Because they have such little confidence in themselves that someone coming along with just a little bit more power makes them feel threatened.”

“But I do not even use my gift on purpose.”

“I know that you don’t. And you have gotten much better at controlling it. But wolves will be wolves and they are threatened by anything that makes them feel weak.”

“Do you think that they will accept me eventually?”

“I’m sure they will, sweetheart. Sooner or later, they will realize how wonderful you are, and they will let their prejudice go.” She assured me.

“So…I should just be patient.”

“Exactly.” My mother agreed as she rose to her feet and dusted off her hands. “Now, come along, sweet girl.” She bid as she held her hand out towards me. “Let’s get home. You really should not have wandered out this far.”

I reached up and grasped her hand, allowing her to pull me to my feet. Then we began to slowly walk back towards the center of the pack lands, where our little village was set. We chatted as we went about nothing in particular, mostly discussing the sights and smells of the forest.

We had not made it very far when we caught a foul scent in the air, a smell that I could only describe as somewhere between rotting flesh and burning garbage. This was soon followed by a feral and ferocious growl. We turned around just in time to see the vile rogue stalking towards us, a deranged look in its glossed eyes. Drool beginning to drip from its snarling fangs, the saliva pooling in its mouth as it looked us over. Even at my young age, I knew exactly what it was thinking…we were its next meal.

My mother was quick to take action. She yelled for me to run as she began to shift into her shaggy, golden wolf. She mindlinked the Alpha and let him know that we were under attack. Then she turned to the rogue, prepared to defend the two of us with every ounce of strength that she possessed.

If only I had run as she had told me to. Maybe that would have changed everything. Allowed her to fight with more freedom. Given her a fair chance against her attacker. But I froze. I stood rooted to the spot, shaking in fear. This forced my mother to fight in place, doing her best to continually block me from the rogue’s onslaught.

My mother fought valiantly, but she was no warrior. Her skills were few and her strength was lacking. All the rogue needed was one lucky strike and it was able to gain the advantage. Before I knew what was happening, the rogue clenched it jaws around my mother’s neck, sinking its teeth deep into her throat. With a sickening snap and the shredding of flesh, my mother collapsed to the ground…dead.

As I began to process what I was seeing, a strange sensation took over my body. I had just lost the person that I loved most. The only person that I could rely on. The one person that cared. I had just lost my mother.

I was so overwhelmed with emotions, that I barely noticed the shift as it began. It was not until I was well into it that I realized what was going on, my bones popping and resetting into place as my body changed its form. As the pain found its way to my senses, I began to cry out, a low, pitiful howl escaping my newly shifted throat. My eyes had been fixed on my mother’s body, not moving from her form for even a moment since she had fallen.

However, now, I noticed a movement happening just beyond her, the sporadic twitching of limbs. It was then that I remembered the rogue, realizing that I was still in danger however too devastated to do anything about it but continue to howl. Finally tearing my eyes away from my mother’s lifeless body to face the rogue head on, I realized that it was no longer necessary.

The rogue lay on the ground, its body convulsing and its eyes rolling back into its head. Its paws scratched at the patchy fur on its chest as if it was trying to force something out. I watched in horror as it continued on like this for several moments before it ceased its movement altogether.

Even though the threat was neutralized, I continued to howl. Continued to cry out in mourning.I was only seven years old and here I was standing over two dead bodies, one of them being that of my mother. I was absolutely mortified, and I was completely shattered. The only instinct that I had was to howl, so I followed it.

I did not realize that my Alpha and several pack warriors were approaching my position. I also did not notice that the rogue was not the only one being strangely affected by my actions. Though, to be honest, even if I had known, I am not sure it would have changed anything given my state of mind at the time.

Even as I finally began to sense the wolves around me struggling as they attempted to move forward. It did nothing to stop my howling. To be fair, neither did I completely realize that I was at fault for their odd behavior. It had not occurred to me that I may have been doing anything more than howling through my sorrow. How was I to know any better?

Alpha Helmer watched what was happening to his warriors and, even though he refused to show it, he too was beginning to experience distress. There was a pain in his chest that he could not explain. But he noted how the pain increased as they stepped closer towards me. And he quickly became aware that there was a sharp stabbing that accompanied the pain each time that I started my howl over. He shifted back to human form knowing that I was too young to have formed the mindlink. If he had to communicate with me, he would have to do so as a man, not a wolf.

“Alpha, there is some kind of force pushing us back. We have tried to break through it, but we are getting nowhere, and the chest pain keeps worsening.” A warrior named, Zora, explained.

“I think it’s the pup.” Alpha Helmer grunted out, attempting to mask his own pain.

“The pup?” Zora questioned as she glanced in my direction, the tiny charcoal-colored wolf that was howling just a short distance away.

“She seems connected to it all somehow.”

“Who is it?”

“Butch and Bacia’s pup, Shade.”

“Isn’t she too young to shift?” Zora pressed.

“She’s already some kind of freak. Whose to know what that mutation may lead to.” Alpha Helmer growled.

“What are we going to do?” Zora worried.

Alpha Helmer thought on this for a moment and then made the only decision that he could think of. He took in a deep breath and began marching towards me. He pushed past the force that pressed against them. And he fought the pain that threatened to rip his chest wide open, the beating heart in his body undergoing immense pressure as he forced his way forward.

“Shade!!!!” Alpha Helmer roared at the top of his lungs as soon as he was certain that he was close enough that I would hear him through my cries. “STOP THAT HOWLING NOW!!!!” He bellowed out in his commanding Alpha tone.

I had no choice but to obey, as any wolf must when given a direct order by their Alpha in such a way. My jaws snapped shut and all noises that I had been making immediately ceased. As my howling stopped, so too did the force that had been keeping the others at bay.

Moments later, I was surrounded by pack warriors, watching me carefully to be certain that I did not make a move that could be considered dangerous. I cowered down in the midst of them, pinning my ears back to my head, and attempting to make myself seem as small as possible. Shaking from the fear that consumed me. But they did not care. I was not going to be permitted to move until they had finished their assessment of the scene they had arrived upon.