01 | Fragments
COCO
Summer was in full swing, and just as the heat descended upon us, my life came crumbling over.
"There is no point, Unni! The label is letting us go, can't you see? They have more successful groups now and we are of no use to them anymore!"
"We are nothing but a failed group!"
"Coco, there is nothing we can do. We are going to disband!"
My teammates voice rang in my head as I made it out of the dorm, my legs felt heavier than my body and it hurt to lift one after the other.
A failed group.
I was delusional to think we would be kept even after three years of not making major sales for our label. It did not matter that we were the founding group of LX entertainment, all that mattered was that we did not bring sales and by default we had to disband once our contract came to an end.
Having a dream did not equal achieving it, especially when that dream was becoming a Kpop Idol. three years ago, my group XL, debuted as a four group member of which I was the leader. It was a dream come true, or so we thought. It had been three years since our debut, and yet no one knew us.
SWT's new music filtered through my ear as I walked the road of Seoul. I paused at the red light, glancing up at the big billboard hanging over with SWT's faces plastered against them. They were my juniors, debuted a year after we did and now their name was all over the internet, both in Korea and internationally.
"Coco! Coco, where are you going?"
I glanced back, our manager's face coming into view, even as I tried to stop the tears from falling down my face. I could not stop. I could not wait for him, I just had to leave.
My Father used to tell me I was bad luck, perhaps he was right. Maybe if I left, the girls would have more chances of reaching better places.
"Coca-ya! Wait! Just calm down a bit!"
Was he tired of us too? Was Ryan Oppa tired of managing a group of stagnant Kpop idols? He probably was, but he would never say it. Ryan Oppa would rather kiss the mud than tell us how much of a failure we were.
He deserved better. The girls deserved better. I was the problem, I had to leave.
"Coco! Stop! It's a green light!!"
It was like a flash of lightning, a sudden whiplash. I yelped as the car flew past me, barely missing hitting me.
I halted, breathing heavily.
"Coco!" Ryan stopped beside me, and began dragging me away from the road. My lips trembled as we walked back to the dorm, my arms flaying helplessly by my side.
"You can't just up and run like that, Coco! What is wrong with you?"
I did not realize we were already at the dorm's gate until Ryan started talking.
I stared at him, seeing nothing, wanting to hear nothing. "Why did you bring me back? Why? You should have left me to die, Ryan Oppa! Why are you doing this to me? You should have let me leave!" I screamed, my eyes a teary mess.
"Coco-ya. Why are you doing this to yourself huh? This is not the end, isn't that what you always tell the girls? So why do you want to give up?"
I chuckled bitterly. "It's over. There is nothing here for me anymore. I want to leave. Can't you just let me go away?"
"You are supposed to be the leader! If anything, you are supposed to encourage the girls, Coco!"
"I am past that, Oppa. I can't do this anymore."
"No. You can do anything you put your mind into, isn't that your motto?"
"It was, until my dreams died," I answered in resignation.
Ryan was about to speak when his phone rang. He stepped away from me to pick it, and I could only imagine that it was CEO Park on the line.
It was actually. I knew when Ryan Oppa approached me after reviewing his call. "Director Park wants to see you girl at the label."
My heart hit the floor.
I already knew it was the end.
_
My Father and I was not the only one who thought my presence was bad luck.
When I said it was the end, I should have known it was for me and not the other girls. No matter how I hard I trained, no matter how long I practiced, I was never fit for stardom.
"We are letting you go, Coco. We want to venture into a new path of three members of XL, and the other girls are much younger than you are so we will only be extending our contract with them."
Director Park never liked me, it was no secret. And to say I never expected this was an understatement of the century.
Still, was it supposed to hurt this much? Seven years of endless training since I joined the label when I was twelve, and then three years of being a failed idol group. Ten wasted years over a dream I had foolishly thought I could attain.
Good things come to those who wait, I can assure you that was a lie. The good things never come.
There were not enough tears to quantify the pain I was feeling, so I'd rather not waste them. I did not know what was the next step for me, I had only known how to he an idol, was there something else I could do with that knowledge? The answer was no.
No one asked me what I would do when I left, not even the girls. They had not even felt an ounce of sympathy for me when they were told I was leaving. I didn't blame them, they never liked me anyway. We only tolerated each other for work's sake.
My legs felt heavy as I entered into the room I shared with Yujin in the dorm. Her clothes were scattered on the floor like always, and I was almost bending to pick them up like I usually did. But then I paused, I did not have to do this any more. In two weeks, I would no longer live here.
The realization hit me square in the face, and my breath seemed to cease. They were letting me go. I was no longer a member of XL group, I was no Kpop Idol. I was just a girl who got lucky enough to debut and now is being kicked to the rear end for lack of talents. Talents I had thought I had after honing them for over seven years.
It is like a circle of life they told me, people come and go but then they forgot to add the ones who remain on one spot. Never moving, people like me.
My front crumbled, and I fell to the floor. My tears made an appearance, and I could not stop them.
Two weeks was the specified date of the contract ending, but I could not bring myself to wait another day in the dorm. I hurriedly packed my stuff, not like I had a lot of things to carry except my cloth.
"Unni." My gaze snapped up as Yujin entered the room. I bit my lip, cussing inwardly because I thought they were not home. I did not want to deal with them right now, but obviously luck was not on my side.
"Yujin-a."
"Unni, are you leaving now?"
She could see that I was packing up, but Yujin had that attitude of asking questions even when she knew the answer, it was her charm, Ryan would say. I would argue wordlessly that it was just a bad attitude she never learned to curb.
"Unni is leaving?" Elle and Mina walked into the room, looking all surprised like they were not there when Director Park handed my ass to me on a wooden slate.
"Girls," I let out a fake smile.
Mina pouted. "You still have two weeks left, why are you leaving now?" Like they gave a shit about me, they only ever looked out for themselves while I spent the past three years cleaning after their messes.
I shrugged. "There is no point. I do not want to live off of the label any longer," I answered.
"So where would you go now? Another label?"
"You would go to another label? Aren't you too old for that now?" Elle was the one who never knew when to shut up, she was the one who spoke out her intrusive thoughts no matter how much it would hurt the people around her.
Knowing that was she was did not stop the anger that sliced through me though.
"Elle!" Mina snapped, slightly tapping her.
"What? I only asked a question," she retorted in defense.
"That you should not have asked!"
Mina scoffed. "Unni is not even complaining!"
I sighed, having already zipped up my box. I had not left yet and they were already having their first fight. "It was just an harmless question, Mina, stop being mean to Elle."
"I was not being mean to her. She just needs to learn not to say everything on her mind. Ryan has told her about this severally."
"What's the point of thinking if I can't say it out huh?"
"You don't have to say everything you are thinking you idiot!"
"Do not insult me, Yujin-a"
"Well then, act your age for once if you will!"
I wanted to speak, tell them to try to get along together while practicing for their next comeback, but the words were stuck in my throat. I was no longer one of them, so their problems did not concern me any longer.
That night, I left them arguing, silently saying goodbye to the girls and the dorm, and regretting the past ten years of my life.
A drink was what I needed.
~
The bottle of Soju I held felt like it burned my hand. I could not remember the last time I had alcohol. The label limited us to diet Cokes for our drinking consumption and now, lifting the drink to my lips felt unfamiliar. I took a gulp, flinching at the taste that spread through my mouth, but yet i took another gulp, willing myself not to think of the misfortunes that had come upon me.
I had nowhere to go. I could not go home because I knew how my father would react when he sees me. He never wanted me to become an idol in the first place. I guess his wish finally came true.
"Ahjumma! Can I get another bottle please?"
"You should not drink too much as a singer, it does not help your vocal cords."
"I have only had on bottle," I answered before the realization dawned on me and I raised my head instantly to look at the owner of the voice. Did he just call me a singer? He recognized me?
The man sat opposite me, his face cap covering his face. "You know who I am?" I inquired, hope blooming in my chest. Maybe I was not just some washed up idol, maybe I had a fan or two out there who would miss my face, right?
"You are Coco of XL, are you not? I have been a fan since day one." He did not sound excited like a normal fan would, but at least he had said for a fact what I wanted to hear.
Peharps it was because I was a lightweight, or whatever was the cause, I only knew I burst into a fit of laughter at the stranger's declaration. What was hope when you knew for a fact that the end was chaos?
"Why are you laughing, did I say something wrong?"
No you did not, you said the perfect thing and yet despair cracked my bones.
Squinting, I peered at him, trying to see his face under the cap he had on, I could only see the outline of his nose, and his perfectly puckered lips. "Why won't you let me see your face?" I asked, instead of replying his question. "Do you have a boil on your face or something?"
He chuckled, low and rumbling, and my heart almost skipped a bit at the sheer attractiveness of that - almost. "Do you want to see my face?"
"Is it not fair that I do? You know my name and have probably seen my face countless times, so is it not right that I at least see?"
The alcohol was doing all these, I told myself. Besides, I did not have to feel guilty, I was no longer Coco of XL, so there was no image that could be tarnished by my careless interaction with a fan, right?
"What if I told you my name instead?"
"Are you ugly? Is that why you are trying to avoid me seeing your face?
He laughed again, the sound warming my heart for the second time thayt night. "Far from that," he said.
"Then why?" I probed.
"Some answers are not meant to be given. You should not ask too much."
I sighed, deciding not to press too much because I knew what it felt like to be undder pressure. "So you will only tell me your name?"
"Xander," he said. "Xander is my name, and I have a feeling we would meet again, Coco of XL."
And he was right that we would meet again, only the nature of our meeting was what I did not expect.
...
