Chapter 3
Rae
I was a liar.
An imposter.
A fake.
A product.
A piece of art shaped and molded, crafted and trained to be craved by the masses. I didn’t know who I was anymore, or even what I liked. As a member of SWT, the fastest rising K-pop group in the world, I suddenly had fame and my dream job. But something was missing—there remained a hole inside of me, something empty, unfulfilled. And it was starting to get very dark and cold.
Sure, money and notoriety were a nice tradeoff for all our hard work rehearsing every day, all the time spent writing songs, doing interviews, promoting and performing…but at the end of the day, mostly what I had was loneliness.
We sang dozens of songs written about something I had yet to experience—love. On the days I had a single moment to myself, my mind ruminated on the subject. I felt like a fraud most of the time, writing lyrics and pouring my heart into something I had no real connection with.
In the K-pop world, fans ate up those love songs, dreaming they were the subject of it. Our fandom, SWEET, were indeed that…sweet. I loved our fans with all my heart. They were loyal and supported each of us through scandals, comebacks, and helped us get where we were today.
I believed that the majority of our fans honestly did want us to be happy. But it was the crazy, delulu few saesangs who kept us from having that reality. They were the rabid fans that took over social media, the keyboard warriors that stormed the internet if we even showed the slightest bit of interest in someone. A side glance one time at some kind of event turned everything into a scandal.
Hence, the K-pop world was filled with secret interludes, underground flings, basically bed buddies and frustration relief partners more than any kind of real relationship. The idols who did go public about being in relationships were few and far between, let alone have them be successful and long-term. Closet quickies at award shows were the norm, when you could have idol groups seen together without some kind of whisper of a dating scandal. But if the netizens caught wind of it, your career could be over. So those who dared to do it were desperate, or wanted out of their group to become a solo artist.
I tried to keep myself focused on SWT. I was the leader, the one everyone counted on. I had four "kids" to manage, each with their own set of personal problems on any given day, outside of our hectic schedule. I didn’t have time to be lonely. I didn’t have time to worry about not being in a relationship. I didn’t have time to have a closet quicky.
But I wanted it.
I wanted what we sang about. I wanted to experience it, just once. To be able to pour myself into that emotion during a song and actually mean it, feel it, live it.
I tried once and failed. It wasn’t meant to be. With Grace of all people. But in the end, I knew in my heart she was meant for Lucas. They had a bond, a connection I just didn’t have. It hurt. It hurt a lot and nearly destroyed our friendship, let alone the band. I couldn’t let that happen again. I wouldn’t.
But my resolve crumbled with one look at her.
Harmony.
Really? A girl named Harmony? What were the odds? I had to chuckle at that one. The universe could be so cruel sometimes. But damn, the moment I spotted her as I walked off set, my heart beat a wild rhythm I could have probably danced to, or at least used for a new track. That hadn’t happened since Grace, and it caught me completely off guard.
I knew it was stupid, but I did it anyway. I turned on Rae to impress her, charm her, flirt with her. Because Rae Took Park could never hold a candle to her. She made me laugh and we immediately played off one another. Usually, the fans I met either got so flustered they didn’t even talk, or they threw themselves, sometimes literally, at us. Hell, I don’t think she even knew who I was when I walked up to her, and that was the best part. No preconceived notions or concepts of Rae. No expectations or let downs….just being free to have a few moments of fun banter lit me on fire, and I craved more of it.
“Rae.” Jay snapped his fingers in front of my face.
I shook my head. “Huh?”
“What the hell man? You’ve been staring into space for ten minutes? Focus, bro.” Jay stepped back to the center of the practice room. “Let’s do it again. We’ve got to nail this timing. At the live comeback stage, we don’t get do-overs and retakes.”
“I know. I know.” I nodded. “Sorry, man.”
And that was just another reason why I had to put her out of my head. I hadn’t been able to concentrate for days since the shoot. She’d taken over most of my thoughts, infiltrating the space I needed to reserve for making this the biggest and best comeback. It was a different kind of pressure to live up to a previous album, to keep the hype, keep the pace, keep the audience interested and focused on our music. I didn’t have time to spare thoughts on something else.
I forced her deep espresso eyes and long brown hair out of my mind. At least long enough to nail the choreo and get Jay off my back.
“And that’s a wrap!” the choreographer yelled, and we all collapsed simultaneously on the practice room floor.
“Who thought this choreo was a good idea?” Lucas draped an arm across his face.
Sookie sat up. “But SWEET will love it. It’s got the best killing point ever.”
I groaned and forced myself to my feet. “If it doesn’t kill us first.”
Grace rushed into the room, clipboard in hand, which always meant something just got added into our schedule, and we’d lose an hour or two of sleep to fit it in.
“Okay, tomorrow we need to film this dance practice video, but we’ll be doing it in costume to match the concept photos being released next week. We have to have you guys here early for makeup by six.” Grace tapped her pen to the clipboard.
My ears perked at the word makeup. I was dying to ask if Harmony was going to be there, but I didn’t want the guys to overhear. I glanced at Sookie, and it was almost as if he could read my mind.
“Grace, will the new assistant be coming?” Sookie tossed her his cute and innocent smile that could melt the hardest heart of stone to a puddle. He played that maknae card like a weapon.
“Harmony?” Grace arched a brow. “No, why?”
Sookie’s face drooped to a pout. “She has better fingers than Soojin.”
I owed him big time. “Yeah, at the MV shoot, she bruised my temple. Harmony saved the day with her magic gel and makeup kit on the fly. Just saying…” I shrugged, trying to play it aloof.
She pursed her lips. “Hmm, well she’s not really a makeup assistant is the problem, so I don’t think the company will allow it. It was a fluke she showed up when she did and filled in as a favor to me so Solia wouldn’t try to fire me again.”
“So, she’s just gone forever?” Sookie did his best to try and speak English for Grace, even though out of all of us, he was the least fluent.
“Well, no, I did get her contact info. I promised her a favor in return. But we’ve been so busy with the comeback, I haven’t given it much thought, I’m afraid. I feel bad. She was only in Seoul on vacation, so I don’t even know if she’s still here.”
“You should call her.” Sookie tossed her his best dimpled smile.
“And say what? I don’t even know what kind of favor to offer her. We didn’t get to talk much.” Grace shrugged.
Sookie turned to me and spoke Korean. “Tell Grace that Harmony majored in dance education in University and that coming to the dance practice video shoot tomorrow would be the favor, so she could be here to see the choreography team.”
My eyes popped open in shock. How the hell did Sookie know so much about her? A twinge of jealousy raged just beneath the surface, and it made me hate myself to feel that way toward him. A part of me hoped this wasn’t going to be a repeat of the Grace/Lucas situation again and I’d have to compete with Sookie for Harmony.
As if sensing my distress, Sookie clamped a hand on my shoulder. “I’m the Makne. People just tell me these things.” He pointed to his dimples with a wink.
A laugh bubbled up in my chest and I clicked my tongue. “You are a mighty weapon, Maknae on Top.”
Grace’s brows rose to her hairline. “I’m missing something here.”
Lucas stepped up behind her and planted a kiss into her hair. “Sookie said that this girl is a dancer and that the favor could be inviting her to the dance practice. Maybe talk with the choreo team.”
“What he said.” I pointed to Lucas. “Exactly.”
Grace tilted her head. “Okay, not a bad idea. I’ll have to run it by Solia, but that could work.”
“Who’s up for some bulgogi and kimchi-jjigae?” Sookie asked.
The guys all chimed in in agreement to get some food. I, on the other hand, needed to use the few minutes to myself to get some lyrics down. Maybe it would help get her out of my head if I put it to pen and paper in a song.
“You guys go on ahead. I’m gonna just order delivery and work on a few things.”
“See you back at the dorms,” Kai said, closing the door behind them.
I parked myself in one of the work booths with a pad of paper and a pencil. Harmony would be the muse to my new melody.
