Ride It

There is little that scares me.

Unlike most girls, I don’t run from bugs, nor do I shy away from getting dirty. Scary movies are my pastime and spending time with my family is my joy.

So what’s there to be scared about?

I try to tell myself, yet my heart doesn’t listen to my brain and my brain doesn’t listen to my thoughts. I want to smile and pretend that I’m fine for my parent’s sake, but my limbs shake with every breath he takes and my tears fall with every touch that grates my skin.

I should fear nothing. Humans are the apex predators. We’re on top. We control what gets to live and what doesn’t.

I guess that’s why I’m afraid. I’m not worried about the bugs that crawl under my feet, or the dirt that dirties my skin. I’m worried about humans. Because a bug can’t hurt me, and the dirt won’t kill me, but a human? Specifically, my fiance? With one twist of his hand, my neck can snap and just like that, I’ll be gone. No longer will I be able to spend time with my family. No longer will I be able to breathe.

So why am I afraid?

Well, it’s simple. I stand on a tightrope, where one wrong move can close my eyes forever. My executioner being the one man who’s supposed to love me unconditionally.

Jason Beauregard.

A well-known landlord who recently took over his father’s business and owns the land that my parents are currently trying their best to pay off.

While visiting our home on that cold, stormy night. I remember it vividly because it was the night my rain of terror began. The smell of fresh rain permeated the air as the fire in the fireplace crackled and warmed the living room area where I sat with my little sister.

It was a cozy night where the family gathered to play board games. I had to keep an eye on my cheating father, who tended to slip a card or two up his sleeves while we weren’t looking. My mother bustled around the kitchen, preparing dinner.

Jason was in the neighborhood and stopped by to inform us of the change in landlords.

My older brother was the one to answer the door. After a brief introduction, he invited Jason in and called Mom and Dad to introduce themselves. I was curious back then, so I peeked down the hallway to see what the commotion was about.

That was when we first met.

His eyes, almost resembling that of a snake, locked onto mine from afar. It startled me and I hurriedly hid myself behind the wall with a racing heart.

I remember the look on his face. I can never forget that look. It’s a look I fear to this day, a year later.

Infatuation.

Having seen me, my parents called me and my sister out to introduce ourselves. I was 17 at the time.

The rest of that night is honestly quite a blur to me and I can’t remember anything besides sitting down at the table with my family and Jason, conversation flowing like water as everyone settled in and got to know each other.

When he learned that my older brother was currently looking for a job, Jason offered one, which helped to lower my parents’ guard even further.

That night ended on a good note and Jason won over everyone’s heart. Fast forward to a month later and his intention was revealed. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage.

In this small town where I live, arranged marriages are very common. You’ll be lucky if you get a man who has a good family, reputation, and money.

Jason ticks all those boxes, and so my parents readily agreed, thinking our family was set for life. And we are.

But only at the price of my happiness.

Back to the present...

My hand trembles as I place the hot steaming food on the table. I don’t want to mess up, in fear of provoking the beast that lay dormant in the man sitting before me.

Jason watches me, his dark eyes overcast with a look that has my heart thumping in my chest.

“There you go baby,” I force the words from my lips and smile, hoping that this would appease him. I can tell he’s had a bad day at work, and one wrong move can cause him to lash out and punish me.

He nods and gestures to the seat beside him. “Sit and join me.”

I nod and limp my way to my seat beside him. I have a sprained ankle, an injury I received when Jason pushed me down the stairs last week.

I’m not allowed to get it treated. Nor am I allowed to see my family until it’s healed.

I take up the fork and start playing with my food, my body tense and ready for any sudden movements.

Jason slowly chews his meal and calmly downs his glass of whiskey.

I’ve been living with him for five months. Our wedding is scheduled for next fall and I haven’t seen my family in so long because I’m not allowed to.

It’s not like they don’t know what’s happening. They do. The first time Jason hit me, I ran home crying to my mom. I told her I didn’t want to be with a man like that and she told me to bear with it.

For the sake of my family, it’s okay for Jason to take his anger out on me. Later that day, Jason came to pick me up and when we got back home, I got beaten for running away. I fell sick for a week after that incident and my parents didn’t come to check on me once.

“Why aren’t you eating?” His voice sends a chill down my spine and causes me to look up.

“What?” I ask.

His lips flatten into a straight line. “I don’t like to repeat myself, Beatrice. Why aren’t you eating? Do you know how much I pay for groceries?”

Do you ever let me forget it?

I nod and force myself to take a bite of my food. “I’m sorry. My mind is elsewhere.”

He sighs and shakes his head, finishing his meal and wiping his mouth with a napkin. “That was good. As a reward, I’ll let you see your parents tomorrow.”

He gets out of his seat and places a hand on my head as if to praise me.

“I’m going out. Don’t wait up for me,” he murmurs.

He takes his coat off the rack and steps outside to visit the bar he always frequents. He’ll probably come home again smelling like another woman. Not that I care. Better her than me.

I place the fork down the second he leaves and stare absentmindedly at the clock ticking away on the wall.

I don’t know what to do now. There’s not much to do in this house now that I’ve finished all my chores. I’m not allowed to turn the TV on or use my phone. So what do I do?

This wave of hopelessness washes over me and tears trickle down my cheeks.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. In fear of getting hurt by a man who sees me as nothing but his property. It hurts. Everything hurts.

I rather die than live the rest of my life like this.

I wipe my tears and sniffle. The idea of death sounds tempting the more I think about it.

Will my parents be sad if I die? Will they mourn me? Regret giving me away?

I look at the clock again to see that only an hour has passed.

I need some fresh air.

I stand from my seat and look at the dishes on the table before throwing caution to the wind and leaving them there.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been outside. I shrug on a coat jacket and open the door.

I just need a break.

The fresh wind hits my face and has me closing my eyes as this feeling of tranquility washes over me. The aches and pain all over my body seem to disappear and I feel like I can finally breathe again.

Yes.

Coming outside for a bit is worth it.

I limp my way down the stairs of our home and walk out into the neighborhood.

It’s late, so not many people are seen on the streets. I walk, and I walk with no destination in mind. I don’t care that I’m limping and will get in trouble if I don’t go back before Jason gets home. I just want to get away.

Away from everything.

I can’t tell how long I have been walking or where I even am, for that matter. I think I’m at the edge of the town. There are trees all around me and no homes in sight.

I approach a hill. I don’t know why I came so far, but I keep going.

To get away.

I don’t want to go back. I find a sturdy stick on the ground and pick it up to help me climb the hill.

I don’t know why I’m doing something this stupid. I know that no matter where I go, Jason will find me. I can’t escape, nor do I have anyone to turn to.

I’m alone.

I push through some tall shrubs and find myself on a high cliff. The wind is strong and chilly up here. As I walk towards the edge, I gaze out at the large pasture and the big house off in the distance.

Then I look down the cliff to see nothing but greenery. Tall trees stretch as far as the eye can see.

Can I survive a fall like that?

Will Jason be able to find my body if I throw myself off right now?

My body grows heavy.

I’m so tired.

I feel like the more days that go by, the more I hate myself. For being powerless, for being weak.

I’m exhausted.

My body is in so much pain that I’m surprised I even made it this far.

Will ending it be better than living like this? Will it be easier? Will I go to heaven? Or will I be reborn again?

I just want this nightmare to end.

Why can’t it just end?

Dirt crunches under my feet as I take a step forward. One of my feet now lingers over the edge of the cliff and I close my eyes, my heart racing.

I only need to take one step.

One step forward.

I take a deep breath and step off, but the moment I do, I feel something hook onto my waist.

I gasp as my body gets yanked backward. I fall onto the ground and scrape my elbow as I roll.

Dirt crunches as I hear someone approach me.

That fall leaves me trembling as the pain of my wounds flares again.

I look at the thick rope around my waist with a mixture of confusion and surprise.

What happened?

My disoriented mind scrambles for an answer as a shadow looms over me.

I look up into a pair of deep blue eyes that swirl with an emotion I can’t quite pinpoint.

A smile tilts the man’s lips as he says. “If you’re going to throw your life away, you might as well give it to me.”